When my brain is screaming at me

I am an anxious person. I get stressed out a lot if I have a challenging task to do or I’m put in a new situation. I feel sick to my stomach. I’m twitchy. I’m easily irritable. But it’s not the worst.

The worst is my anxiety that comes after a stressful situation, like exam. The moment I start thinking about that situation and my brain basically starts screaming at me and pointing out to every flaw, every little problem, picking at myevery insecurity.

And that’s exactly what happened today

So, I’m about to finish my studies and I started looking for a job. I had an interview today and I left the building pretty happy. When I got home it all started to crumble. My brain focused on the interview and kept reanalysig my every single answer, pointing out where I could do better, what I did wrong. Basically I kept telling myself that there’s no chance for me to get the job, and that I’ll never be able to get any.

I was fixated on it for a good 6-7 hours. I tried to distract myself: I watched a new show, I read fanfictions, I worked on my own, I listened to music, I cooked a dinner. But all the time, there was this thought “you SO failed this interview” in my mind; not even the back of my mind, it was upfront. It was the only thing I could think about.

I ate a bag of chocolate chip cookies (I went to a nearby shop just to buy them) – it didn’t help. I turned myself into a blanket burrito and desperately tried to stop myself from crying because all that time I was about to burst into tears. All I wanted was a hug, but I don’t live with my family or friends so I had no one to ask for it.

All the while my rumination cycle had been going on.

What finally helped a bit was talking to my mum on the phone for half an hour, simply talking about my insecurities and hearing her tell me that no matter what the result will be , it’ll all be well.

The thought is still there, but it moved to the back of my mind. And I can actually focus on something else.

Situations like this one happen. Sometimes more often, sometimes less. It may seem like it’s nothing. I know people have bigger problems. But it seriously affects my life. It is not healthy… I need to find a way to stop these attacks at the very early stage… I need a way to break up the rumination cycle… I need to stop punishing myself… I need to stop wishing I could change what I did in the past…

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