Toxic

Usually when people talk about toxic relationship they mean the “romantic” relationship. But friendship can be toxic too, and that is exactly what I’ve experienced.

I met V over the internet. I was young, 14 maybe 15, she was 6 years older. I was reading her blog with fanfiction. We haven’t met for several years, but the friendship started developing. We talked on chat/skype daily. I started helping her with the fics (co-translation, beta, etc.).

I really liked V. She understood me, we had similar hobbies – I FINALLY had someone to talk to about Harry Potter, and anime,  and shiping, and yaoi, and everything… In few years V became one of the most important people in my life. I talked to her about every problem, every joy. I turned to her when I needed an advice.

When we finally met in person, I was in college. And I was instantly smithen. Like I couldn’t stop staring at her because she was real, she was here, and she was SO AMAZING. (It was an instant crush, I didn’t realise it at that time because I was so deep in the closet I didn’t even consider that I can actually have a crush on a girl).

She lived in a different town so we didn’t meet regularly but we kept talking every day, sending each other gifts even (for birthdays, namedays, Christmas, …). And at that point I was so deep in that I did everything to please her.

She had a huge influence on me. When I visited her in the summer, I’ve spent a week at her house. I spent most of the time alone, with her cats, because she was working (now, that sounds so wrong – I went to visit her, but I didn’t get to spend much time with her). In that spare time I was working on her fics, of course (they needed so much beta, she didn’t have the best command of language). And during that visit I let her die my hair. Actually, it wasn’t lie I had much to say in the matter. She literally pointed to a chair and said “Sit. We’re dyeing your hair.” She chose the colour too.

I kept dyeing the hair the same colour for 3 years…

Much of our friendship was revolting around her fanfiction blog. I was absolutely in love with her works at first, but with years I started seeing the imperfections. They were poorly written, and had really bad plots (too simplistic or too “wtaf?!”, + too many mpregs). Yet, I was unable to stop reading her fics and commenting them (in a favourable way of course, she didn’t deal at all with criticism). I tried, I kept telling her that I’m busy with my college an everything. But she kept saying  that if I stop reading and commenting, she’ll stop writing and will tell all her other fans that it’s my fault (and I really didn’t feel like being bullied by a bunch of yaoists). It was blackmail, I see it now.

She kept using emotional blackmail on me. It was effective – she knew it. All she needed was to pout, say that she’s sad, said that she’s lonely and I kept doing what she wanted. Even without her telling me anything, with most things there was the underlying “V would approve”. It was emotionally straining.

About 1,5 years ago my other friends started noticing that something was wrong with my relation with V. And they decided that it needs to stop. Gradually, I stopped visitng V’s blog. Gradually, I reduced the amount of contact I had with V. I started making decisions for my own – I did things because I wanted to do them, I stoped thinking “what V would say about it”. Half a year ago I finally changed my hair colour. It felt as if a weight has been taken off my shoulders.

V sometimes still messages me, and I’m still unable to ignore her. I still have her in my facebook friends. I still kept checking her blog – every two months to see what she’s up to, and whether she’s doing okay (she always had bad health and kept ending up in a hospital, that’s how I know she got pregnant). I cannot cut the ties to her completely. She was an important part of my life for quite some time. But I’m making progress. I stopped following her facebook feed and blocked the notifications from her on Messenger.

I hope that one day, I’ll be able to leave her behind completely and not care about her.

Because, I know that now if I got involved even a bit in her life the things could come back to what they were  really fast. And I really don’t want that.

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I’ve found out today that an old friend of mine is pregnant. And it left me shaken.

We used to be close at one point, but that is a topic for a whole another post. Thing is, since about a 2 years ago, we no longer are so close, so I found out accidentally.

There are several reasons why the revelation left me so shocked and speechless. For one, I never took her for the kind to have children, in fact I was pretty sure she cannot have children like at all (health issues). Another thing is that the father is a “fan” of hers (she writes fanfiction like me – that’s how we met),she met half a year ago.

But yeah, she’s pregnant. Well…

Obviously, now I’m really concerned for her because her health was always in a bad shape and her pregnancy is a high-risk (enough said, at 3rd month she’s already ordered bedrest)

But there’s also this other thing in my mind. Thing, which makes me feel lie a horrible human being. Because I am jealous of the chance of being a mother she has.

It’s like, she has everything I ever wanted: a significant other, a baby on its way, and I don’t know… I keep thinking stuff like “what does she have that I dont that hepled her achieve this?” and “she’s not even that pretty”(objectively, she’s not)…

Despite this, I am, in a way, happy for her. But I don’t feel like I can even tell her that or tell her that I hope everything ends well (it may not…)… I can’t tell her because there’s a lot of stuff between the two of us, a lot of emotions,unsaid things…and I can’t.

And I am so confused. And I feel like life isn’t fair… And I can’t stop thinking about this even though I probably should (hence I’m writing this post: to clear my head at least a bit)

I am what stops me from achieving happiness….

I am what stops me from achieving happiness.

I could blame many factors for not being happy: the lack of one parent, lack of popularity, bad luck.

I could blame God or whatever other higher force there is.

But, ultimately, my life depends on me. My happiness depends on me.

For the purpose of this post, I’ll narrow down my happiness to finding a significant other, although there is much more to my happiness. It’s just that this is the part which is lacking the most.

I get anxious in new situations, this includes meeting new people and interacting with them. I even get anxious interacting with people I know quite well. But I could work on it.

I could also work on my general social awkwardness and learn how to behave in a group of people…

I could work on myself, try to eradicate my vices…

I could just “put myself out there” and try to see how it goes.

But I don’t put myself out there. I don’t know if I will be able to.

And the reason is simple: I’m a chicken.

I am scared. I am scared that it won’t work out. I am scared that I’ll be ridiculed. I am scared that I’ll be rejected. I am scared that even if it initially works, evrything will eventually break apart.

And I let these fears get the better of me.

I let these fears take control of me.

And so to avoid any chance that they will come true, I just don’t do anything which would potentially lead to such situation.

I don’t take the risk.

And because I don’t take the risk my chances of getting my happy romantic ending are low.

And I have only myself to blame for being such a chicken.

23 and a virgin

Concept of virginity is a weird thing.What exactly is it? How do you lose it? Does the fact of losing virginity change anything about the person?…

I’ve had a discussion on losing virginity with several people before. Because what exactly makes a person not be a virgin anymore?

Breaking the hymen? It’s too sex-specific – applies only to female genitalia. Besides you can break your hymen in a multitude of situations (I know, I did), also some people with female genitalia have a really sparse hymen, so…

Most people consented to the first penetrative (vaginal or anal) sex being the thing that means the end of virginity (penetration with a toy does not count). I was not fully convinced (what about the gold star lesbians?). But okay, let’s roll with it.

In that sense – I’m a virgin, at age 23. Why? I’ve mentioned that I never was that popular and I guess it just didn’t happen…

I am certainly not waiting for marriage, but I also will not “just do it” because I want to have “my first time” with someone that matters (even if this will turn out to matter briefly).

In reality, I don’t come off as a virgin. I was talking about it with my friends recently and one of my friends was really surprised when I told him I’ve never had sex. Not because of  the topic being TMI, he doesn’t care, but because I’m not the typical “blushing virgin”. I have no problem talking about sex, I write erotica stories, I’m watching porn, I read hentais, I can go to a sex shop no problem, I’ve bought lube and condoms (still better to use them with certain toys), I masturbate quite frequently.

And it’s not a recent development too. I’ve masturbated since I was a teen, I’ve read erotica stories and hentais since I was about 14. Started watching actual porn at 16 probably (hentai anime came at about 14 too). When I was 18 one of my friends told me that when it comes to my mind I’ve stopped being a virgin years ago, and essentially is true.

When it comes to my hymen I broke it with a pen I used to masturbate when I was like 16 or 17… Don’t judge me about the pen. I was a minor, I couldn’t just waltz into the sex shop and buy a vibrator. Besides, the pen was relatively safe: no edges, no rows in which bodily fluids could gather, no detachable parts, and I washed it after every use (no it was not writing anymore too)  + it was “quite thick” (at least for me back then). But yeah the first time I used it instead of my fingers I felt a pinch of pain and there was just a little blood. And that was that.

Usually, I don’t care because my virginity does not define me in any aspect of my life. The only situation in which it bothers me is when me dating someone is considered. Because, times being what they are, at my age being a virgin is apparently not that common. And I worry that someone may think of that as a deterrent (“Noone wanted you? Something must be wrong with you.” or “I don’t want to be the one to take your virginity, because what we have is not that serious”). When it comes to dating my virginity indeed worries me, to the point where I’d rather not date than have to deal with possible repulsion or whatever. And so, we have this beautiful vicious circle.

Somewhere, at the back of my mind, I have this voice telling me that it doesn’t matter, I know it doesn’t matter – but I’m culturally conditioned into thinking that it does. Culturally conditioned (by my peers) to think that I already should have had sex, and it’s significant that I haven’t. Culturally conditioned (by my elders) to think that “losing my virginity” is something important/meaningful.Culturally conditioned (by the society at large) to believe in the concept of virginity.

To sub or not sub

Let me start this post by saying that I am by no means expert in BDSM. I know more or less what I am talking about, but my experience is very limited and my knowledge is more of theoretical sort.

But BDSM is something that has fascinated me for quite some time. Especially the D/s part. (I’d lie if I said the Bondage and SM don’t scare me a bit – they do, still in a weirdly attractive way)

Actually I think I was already into it before I knew what it is. I just remember my first sexual fantasies – the little “stories” I played in my head while I was masturbating (and, mind you, I started young, I might have been like 11 or 12) usually consisting of someone making me masturbate or doing sexual stuff to me (by means of my own hands and whatever inanimate vibrating objects I could find) while I was helpless against the power this imaginary person had over me.

With time I’ve learned what BDSM is, but I really started getting into it like 3 or 4 years ago. And, unfortunatelly, what sparked my interest was 50 Shades. And I now how bad the book is and how innacurate the depiction (my friend calls it 50 Shades of Abuse), but yeah that was it.

After reading the book I started digging, I’ve made some research, so I knew what exactly means what and how such relationships work.

And I’ve never had any doubt in my mind that I am a submissive. Like I find it easy to follow orders and usually I like doing that. And I think what I like the most is the feeling of “being owned” (like a sense of belonging but amped up).

I can’t say I experienced it fully, some would say that I haven’t experienced the lifestyle at all. I’ve only had one Dom and it was an internet Dom. We’ve never met in person (he lived literally half a world away), but we had an extensive contact: messages, skype calls. And he had a lot of control over me: he was telling me what to wear on a given day, I had to ask him if I wanted to go out with my friends, if I did something I knew he wouldn’t like I had to punish myself.  (I actually obeyed his orders, even if they weren’t the most comfortable/pleasant and there was no way he could know if I disobeyed him. I got a kick out of obeying his orders). I loved every second of this semi-relationship and when it ended… I’ve NEVER dropped so hard. Like it was the worst few weeks of my life.

That experience, however, even further proved to me that the lifestyle – being someone’s good little sub would suit me.

But

I’ve never decided to go any further with it.

And here’s why

I am scared. Like a lot.

Because if I wanted to pursue this, I know I couldn’t do it just over the internet. Like that just wouldn’t work.

But being in a real-life D/s relationship would change things in my life.

Because even if He had control  over my life in some aspects, He wasn’t here with me, I was still an independent person.

And I am affraid that if I got involved with another Dom, I’d lose that independence – at least to some extent.

Why does it scare me? I already admitted that I like being owned…

Well, yes. But I still am my own person. There are times, there are areas in my life in which I wouldn’t accept anyone’s influence. There are days when I just don’t feel like listening to anyone.

Aditionally, I don’t think I would actually do a really good sub. I lack in many aspects. (this is also the reason why I don’t look for a Dom, I feel like noone would want such a faulty sub so why put myself out there only to get hurt)

In every day life, I can be short tempered, I’m very opinionated (especially when the topics are controversial, and even more especially if they somehow are about me like LGBT issues or feminism) and I cannot keep my mouth shut. I am also shit at keeping up w/ house chores (I don’t really like doing them (I just like cooking) so I keep putting them of). I am also aware how much I need a partner who’d treat me like an equal, not an inferior (or at least making me feel like I was inferior – I could be a sub but I’m never “less than”).

When it comes to the bedroom aspect: I am afraid of pain and I don’t think I could take a lot of it so that excludes many things that might have been done. And, oh yeah, I am extremely unexperienced, and many Doms, it seems, actually prefer partners with certain amount of experience – they are more trustworthy in terms of their likes/dislikes and knowing how much they can bear.

So here I am: wanting a D/s relationship but also not sure if I want to be in it.

Or actually more like I want to be in a D/s relationship – but not like the “hardcore” one. I want something that’s like part-vanilla, part-D/s. I want to be owned by someone, be their pet, their good girl but also be their equal partner (in rights, in life). I want someone who’ll order me around but also help me out. I want someone who’ll push me to the edge, but also accept my boundaries.

I know there are Doms like that, I know that not everyone is into the 24/7 BDSM lifestyle and some just like to get kinky in the bedroom or have their little own rituals etc.

But I am afraid that I won’t be able to find a Dom like that, a Dom that will satisfy my needs and accept my “terms”. And since I am afraid of getting hurt (emotionally), I don’t even look for one.

But also I don’t look for a vanilla partner, because I know that my tendencies will eventually come out and I don’t know if that would work.

Not that anyone, would want to date me anyways… :)))))))))))))

Unlovable?

So here’s the thing that’s been bothering me for quite a while now. That maybe I can’t find an s.o. because I am not a person anyone could love.

Or, well, anyone except family and close friends.

Like in all seriousness, I do not remember the last time anyone who I’ve first met in person was interested in me as a potential significant other. I think it was back when I’ve been in 1st or 2nd grade… which is like 15 years ago… and then it was more of a childish play.

Later on, I wasn’t popular in that sense. I had two very pretty friends, so usually anyone I had crush on had a crush on them, because everyone interested in girls had a crush on them…

Then I went to High School in another town and I was even less popular than earlier.

Then I went to university and I started thinking…

Because it’s not like I didn’t have any opportunity whatsoever. There were people who could potentially be interested in me. And they weren’t. You could argue that I just wasn’t their type. But seriously, in that big of a group of people I’ve been around only 3 have expressed any sort of interest in me. One of them being my younger step-cousin (cringe), one my friend from high school (who told me that only few years later when he was getting engagaed to someone else), and a friend who I met over the internet (when I wasn’t out yet, even to myself) – a toxic friend may I add. (There was no romantic relationship between me and any of those people)

And that’s it.

Why wasn’t there anyone or anything more? Am I really that unlovable?

I am aware that I’m by no means perfect. I have intense personality, I am a bit of a weirdo, I have my flaws…  is it really too much for someone to fall for me?

And so here I am.. 23… never been in a relationship or involved in any romantic way with anyone…

Maybe I should just accept my fate, but I can’t because I really long for having that special someone…

Why this is important

I’ve started blogs before. I gave them up shortly after. I want this to be different.

Why?

Because I have issues, I have anxiety, I have problems with myself, and I can’t always bother my friends with them. They have their own lives, their own shit to deal with.

And I need an outlet. (And a healthier one than Whisper)

And for the first time, I’m doing this for myself. Not for views, not for likes. But for my actual benefit.

So I want to keep this. Even if I’ll go without it sometimes, I need to keep it – in case of emergency.

And for the first time, I feel like I can actually do it. Because this is real. For the first time I’m being real. For the first time I’m not calculating what will bring my stats up or anything. Stats are not important here. I am. And I am being true to myself here. I don’t care if it makes me look pathetic, if I’ll accidentally make someone uncomfortable, if… anything really. I need it, I need a place where I can just talk about whatever comes to my mind. And I deserve this. Because my issues are valid, no matter how small they may be or insignifficant they may seem, and this makes it easier to deal with them somehow. Maybe it’s a placebo effect… but it still helps. If frickin’ helps.