Let me start this post by saying that I am by no means expert in BDSM. I know more or less what I am talking about, but my experience is very limited and my knowledge is more of theoretical sort.
But BDSM is something that has fascinated me for quite some time. Especially the D/s part. (I’d lie if I said the Bondage and SM don’t scare me a bit – they do, still in a weirdly attractive way)
Actually I think I was already into it before I knew what it is. I just remember my first sexual fantasies – the little “stories” I played in my head while I was masturbating (and, mind you, I started young, I might have been like 11 or 12) usually consisting of someone making me masturbate or doing sexual stuff to me (by means of my own hands and whatever inanimate vibrating objects I could find) while I was helpless against the power this imaginary person had over me.
With time I’ve learned what BDSM is, but I really started getting into it like 3 or 4 years ago. And, unfortunatelly, what sparked my interest was 50 Shades. And I now how bad the book is and how innacurate the depiction (my friend calls it 50 Shades of Abuse), but yeah that was it.
After reading the book I started digging, I’ve made some research, so I knew what exactly means what and how such relationships work.
And I’ve never had any doubt in my mind that I am a submissive. Like I find it easy to follow orders and usually I like doing that. And I think what I like the most is the feeling of “being owned” (like a sense of belonging but amped up).
I can’t say I experienced it fully, some would say that I haven’t experienced the lifestyle at all. I’ve only had one Dom and it was an internet Dom. We’ve never met in person (he lived literally half a world away), but we had an extensive contact: messages, skype calls. And he had a lot of control over me: he was telling me what to wear on a given day, I had to ask him if I wanted to go out with my friends, if I did something I knew he wouldn’t like I had to punish myself. (I actually obeyed his orders, even if they weren’t the most comfortable/pleasant and there was no way he could know if I disobeyed him. I got a kick out of obeying his orders). I loved every second of this semi-relationship and when it ended… I’ve NEVER dropped so hard. Like it was the worst few weeks of my life.
That experience, however, even further proved to me that the lifestyle – being someone’s good little sub would suit me.
I’ve never decided to go any further with it.
And here’s why
I am scared. Like a lot.
Because if I wanted to pursue this, I know I couldn’t do it just over the internet. Like that just wouldn’t work.
But being in a real-life D/s relationship would change things in my life.
Because even if He had control over my life in some aspects, He wasn’t here with me, I was still an independent person.
And I am affraid that if I got involved with another Dom, I’d lose that independence – at least to some extent.
Why does it scare me? I already admitted that I like being owned…
Well, yes. But I still am my own person. There are times, there are areas in my life in which I wouldn’t accept anyone’s influence. There are days when I just don’t feel like listening to anyone.
Aditionally, I don’t think I would actually do a really good sub. I lack in many aspects. (this is also the reason why I don’t look for a Dom, I feel like noone would want such a faulty sub so why put myself out there only to get hurt)
In every day life, I can be short tempered, I’m very opinionated (especially when the topics are controversial, and even more especially if they somehow are about me like LGBT issues or feminism) and I cannot keep my mouth shut. I am also shit at keeping up w/ house chores (I don’t really like doing them (I just like cooking) so I keep putting them of). I am also aware how much I need a partner who’d treat me like an equal, not an inferior (or at least making me feel like I was inferior – I could be a sub but I’m never “less than”).
When it comes to the bedroom aspect: I am afraid of pain and I don’t think I could take a lot of it so that excludes many things that might have been done. And, oh yeah, I am extremely unexperienced, and many Doms, it seems, actually prefer partners with certain amount of experience – they are more trustworthy in terms of their likes/dislikes and knowing how much they can bear.
So here I am: wanting a D/s relationship but also not sure if I want to be in it.
Or actually more like I want to be in a D/s relationship – but not like the “hardcore” one. I want something that’s like part-vanilla, part-D/s. I want to be owned by someone, be their pet, their good girl but also be their equal partner (in rights, in life). I want someone who’ll order me around but also help me out. I want someone who’ll push me to the edge, but also accept my boundaries.
I know there are Doms like that, I know that not everyone is into the 24/7 BDSM lifestyle and some just like to get kinky in the bedroom or have their little own rituals etc.
But I am afraid that I won’t be able to find a Dom like that, a Dom that will satisfy my needs and accept my “terms”. And since I am afraid of getting hurt (emotionally), I don’t even look for one.
But also I don’t look for a vanilla partner, because I know that my tendencies will eventually come out and I don’t know if that would work.
Not that anyone, would want to date me anyways… :)))))))))))))